A few of you who I met tonight asked about protocol when paying a Shiva call. The biggest guideline I can offer is to just be there. If you are able to share some thoughts or feelings about Gabe, they will be appreciated. If you can't bring yourself to talk about him, don't worry... your presence will speak for itself. If you happen to cry, don't worry about that either. You wouldn't be crying if you weren't hurting. And that tells the family how you feel. So, just bring yourself. Flowers are usually not appropriate... traditionally, if you want to bring something, bring some food. The other thing which people do is to make charitable gifts. The real question is... what is the appropriate charity? Well, if the family has a particular request, I'd tend to honor it. Otherwise, there are a few things you can do: A great idea (not mine, BTW) is to look to something that Gabe, himself, cared deeply about, i.e., the B-C Chorus. Another idea is to find something that the family is committed to. For those of you who saw the announcements in the NY Times today, there were a few entries from divisions of Mount Sinai Hospital which revealed the strong connection between Gabe's parents (Michael and Zena) and the hospital. That might be a good idea. If you want to do something with a Jewish organization, a very nice idea is to plant a tree (or trees) in Israel in Gabe's memory. JNF (Jewish National Fund) handles this... I think they still ask for a $10 contribution per tree. They send a very nice certificate to the family which will acknowledge who gave the gift and that it was in memory of Gabe (in fact, they'll say pretty much anything you want). You can contact them directly or I would be willing to help out with this. Or, you can just approach any charity which you believe to be significant, and ask that they send an acknowledgement in Gabe's memory. As I said earlier, it was an honor to finally meet many of you. Of course, I wish the circumstances were different... but I'm grateful for the opportunity to meet other people who have been touched by Gabe. Regards, Alan M. Gallatin amg@pobox.com http://www.pobox.com/~amg H 212-772-9410 W 212-259-4538 From: Pyrophage Subject: RE: etiquette at a Jewish funeral (fwd) Re: whether to wear black: I have worn black to the three jewish funerals I have been to. You dont have to wear black, but you are allowed to. Re: shivah: Oh, and usually if you go visit the family, you dont ring the doorbell, they leave the door unlocked and you just walk in. From: "Jonathan K. Cohen" Subject: Re: etiquette at a Jewish funeral Notes: 1. All mirrors will be covered. Don't freak 2. Mourners can tear their clothing or pin a small black torn strip of cloth to their clothing. Generally just the immediate family and relatives count as mourners. 3. Seating for mourners should be boxes or planks -- nowadays, they have cheapie cardboard boxes for the purpose. 4. The spooky guy hanging around the casket at the funeral home mumbling prayers is a "watcher" -- he's guarding the soul and body of the deceased, according to syncretic Ostjudische superstition. It's also a great way to employ local impecunious Torah scholars. 5. Bring food to the shiveh. Crass as it may seem, it's of great psychological import to the survivors. Kosher only, if the mourners care. 6. Be prepared, if you're a male, to participate in prayers. A rabbi may come and officiate; if not, volunteers may be welcomed. Generally, you do a superfast service; the sole slow elements are the prayers for the dead, e.g., El Mole Rachamim. 7. Shivehs are often crowded the weekend after the funeral. It may be the case that your visit may do the most good on a day when few people show up. The contrary may be true; some people consider the big-deal shiveh sitting to be a mandatory appearance. 8. I've always been freaked out by the cocktail party atmosphere that can exist at some shivehs. Try to be cheerful, in tune with the prevailing mourner mood, but respectful of the occasion for your being there. Loud discussions about the Rangers vs. the Ducks in the NHL playoffs are the sorts of things that just seem weird at a shiveh. Hope these help. If I think of more, I'll send them on. Love, Jonathan From: Pyrophage Subject: another note on shivah etiquette Hi folks, Thought of another point about shivahs... When you bring food, I think it would be most appreciated if you bring a casserole of some sort, or something that can be edible in a meal type way - the idea is for the family not to have to cook for themselves this week. It's of course very sweet of people to bring anything, but - well, when we were sitting shivah for my grandmother there were no fewer than *eleven* fruit baskets brought or sent along by very well-meaning people on the first day of the shivah alone. It became really difficult by about the seventh basket to thank people for them with a straight face. If you are local, leave the fruit baskets to the people who are long-distance and hence unable to send an actual meal. Another thing - for all that the Jewish people do have a lot of little customs and etiquettes, we don't really take offense that easily at well-meaning people who have come to pay their respects who are unaware of some of the points of etiquette that we observe. I've been at shivahs where people forgot and rang the doorbell or things like that; it was no big deal. Your stopping by to pay your respects in a kind manner will be what they remember most. My thoughts will be with you all today. I didn't know Gabe, but listening to peoples remembrances of him, I wish I had. Pyrophage Subject: Re: etiquette at a Jewish funeral (fwd) Another friend's take on etiquette, with some very good points: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- While the list is correct that flowers are inappropriate, if you wish to visit the grave later, it is customary to leave a stone on or beside the grave, just to mark that someone cared enough to be there. Common sense, please, on the not greeting the primary mourners. If they come over to you and say they're glad you came or something, answer. If they see you to the door, say something appropriate in the way of goodbye. Just don't tax their coping ability -- follow their lead. Gentiles don't ordinarily wear yarmulkes even in syna- gogues where all the regulars do. However, a man who is Jewish by traditional law but nonobservant should wear one out of respect. Again, if *everyone* is wearing one, follow their lead even if you're a gentile, but that's very unusual; much more common is that Jewish men should wear one whether they ordinarily do or not, and non-Jews should not.