From:  Erickson, Shaun T
Sent:  Monday, March 08, 1999 1:10 PM
To:  (a mailing list)
Subject:  Why do the men sometimes take over?

I'm not suggesting we change anything - I'm just trying to understand the concern that led to the gender parity provision in the first place.

 -ste

From: Dermody, Kathleen
Subject: RE: Why do the men sometimes take over?
To: Erickson, Shaun

While you may not be able to easily recognize it, there is such a thing as male privilege. Let me first relate it to heterosexual privilege. If I were heterosexual in our society, I'd have all sorts of privileges that I wouldn't even be aware of. I would take for granted the fact that I could kiss my hunee goodbye when she dropped me off at work and I wouldn't worry that anyone else saw me do that and wonder if they might someday beat me up because of it. I would take for granted the fact that if I chose too, I could marry the woman of my dreams and live with her and have all the benefits afforded legally married couples. When I was in meetings and people would talk about a party where you could bring your spouse with you, I wouldn't even think twice about the people who couldn't be legally married. My hetero privilege would allow me to go through out the day w/o even knowing a class of people that is left out or discriminated against or those who have the potential for violence wrought against them because they aren't hetero. That would be a privilege that I might not even know I had. Unless, of course, I was like those hip and happenin' folks who are our hetero allies in EQUAL! :-)

 I can speak about white privilege. As a white woman, I know that I have privileges that my friends of color do not have. One of these is that when I turn on the TV or go to a movie, I _ALWAYS_ see someone 'like me' on that screen. OK, as a gay woman I don't see too many gay people, but I sure as heck see enough white people to last me a life time. I have the privilege of buying 'skin tone' band aids and the color is like me. I have the privilege of driving down the NJ Turnpike and assuming that if I'm stopped it's because I was speeding, not because I was 'profiled'. There's a great article about white privilege that you can find at http://www.spokanecity.org/humanrights/ccrr/packet/article.htm Now, even though I know I have those privileges, I most of the time forget that I have them. And that's the privilege of being white - I don't have to even _THINK_ about it.

 Now, if you've gotten this far, you might be able to get the fact that there is such a thing as male privilege. If you're male, you prob have never thought about it unless someone you love has tried to tell you about it. Male privilege is being in a work meeting and knowing that you don't have to fight to be heard. And I speak of all these experiences from having gone through them personally. As a woman, I have to very often fight to get my ideas heard. I have been in meetings where I have said something and was greeted by blank stares. Then a man repeated what I said and it was greeted with nods and other men in the room saying what a great idea it was. Now, just as white people will listen more closely and give more credence to a white person who talks about white privilege, very often some men will give more credence to this same discussion about male privilege if it is presented by another man. Male privilege is making $1 to my 0.76 cents. Male privilege is not being asked if you're alone when sitting in a restaurant with 3 other women, the message being that other women are not really company. Male privilege is getting the first tee times on a Saturday morning while if a woman calls to get a tee time she better say it's for her husband or she'll get it late in the afternoon. Male privilege is not being treated like a dumb ass by the auto mechanic but treated as a part of a brother hood. Male privilege is learning history in school and having one class session spent on 'Women in History' while the rest of the year is spent learning about what the men have done.

 You write, 'it seems that if the men take over, it's because the women weren't involved enough to make their voice heard in an "equal" manner.' I would propose that there are different communication styles that we are socialized to. Many men are socialized to make sure they are heard no matter what. Many women are socialized that it is rude to interrupt. Bring that together and you'll have the men doing all the talking and the women getting tired of not being heard. Way back (when I used to walk to school in the snow 3 feet high) when LEAGUE, the precursor to EQUAL!, had it's first conference, we had a workshop called, 'Lesbian Visibility'. If you ask any of the women who attended that workshop, what they'll most likely remark on is how many of the men in that workshop, many of whom I love like brothers today, and many of who attended that workshop in the truest sense of getting educated, managed to dominate the conversation through the majority of the workshop. It was a painful learning experience for many of us there, the men included.

 I feel really lucky to have met the men I have through EQUAL! and LEAGUE. Before being involved in this organization, I had a very separate life. All my friends were woman and I really only socialized with women. EQUAL! & LEAGUE changed that. I learned a lot from my guy buddies in EQUAL!/LEAGUE. One of the things I learned was how to not give a shit what people think about me and to assert myself, taking no prisoners. What I hope some of the men have learned from me is how to work together and use consensus, how to _LISTEN_ to what other people have to say and to put relationships before winning (unless it's in a competition with Margaret Burd and then winning _IS_ everything :-).

 There will be people who do not see the privileges that exist for those in 'power'. It's not an easy thing to acknowledge. Because then I somehow have a responsibility to do something about it. (Or maybe that's just my Catholic guilt coming through :-). Once I got the existence of White Privilege, I knew I had a responsibility to do something about it 'cause I love people who are not white and who don't have those privileges.

The equal gender representation is a way to make sure that women, many of whom have been socialized to not speak up, are heard.

And the best thing is that so far, it has worked way better than most anyone could have dreamed it would work.

 Kathleen