Miss Manners (Judith Martin) article
published Sat, Oct 28


                   Authorized versions of gift-giving rules
                                by Miss Manners

What is it that moves you so much that you will give away your
hard-earned money with no other return except making someone else
happy?

Evidence that people are going hungry? Or a plea that people you know
want to throw a party in a restaurant they announce they can't afford?

The hope of changing a child's life by providing scholarship money? Or
the knowledge of what a certain child wants, even though you never hear
from that child directly, but have been told to check a Web site wish
list?

Homelessness? Or a request that everybody contribute to the down
payment for an engaged couple's house?

Whatever touches you, and however fine your nature, Miss Manners
guesses that you respond more often to requests for luxuries than for
necessities. You may give often for the purpose of helping strangers,
but you probably give to people you know just about every time they
ask, even if you don't find their requests sympathetic.

This ought not to worry Miss Manners. Although she believes in
philanthropy, she also believes in helping and pleasing friends. Even
more relevantly, it isn't her money.

Only please don't say she is making you do it. And don't believe your
greedy friends who claim that it will upset her if you don't give them
what they want. True, you don't want to mess with Miss Manners when
she's upset, but they are the ones who are dangerously upsetting her.

They plead their limited budgets and schedules as if no decent person
would stand by and allow such conditions to curb their plans.
Amazingly, they have made others feel it is up to them to bridge the
gap between what they want and what they can afford.

Miss Manners supposes one has to admire them for getting away with
this. But they will have to do it without her help.

Here are the permanent etiquette rules, along with the authorized
variations (and the unauthorized ones that rude people commonly
claim).

Rule: Host pays all expenses and does all the work of entertaining, in
order to fulfill whatever invitation he has offered to prospective
guests.

Authorized variation: A cooperative party is suggested and the division
of work and expense are agreed upon by whoever wants to participate.

Unauthorized practice: Someone posing as a host issues an invitation
and then levies a contribution on the supposed guests.

Rule: All present-giving is voluntary, no matter what the occasion, and
the donor supplies the thoughtfulness as well as the payment.

Authorized variation: Recipient drops mild hints and, if asked, admits
to modest preferences.

Unauthorized practice: Recipient, or someone acting on recipient's
behalf, collects money or assigns purchases.

Rule: People are supposed to live within their means.

Authorized variation: Kind people should help those in need.

Unauthorized practice: Passing yourself off as needy when you only mean
greedy.