From: tal@Warren.MENTORG.COM (Tom Limoncelli)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: THERE ARE NO HOMOSEXUALS IN NEW YORK CITY
Message-ID: <21bscf$1q7@worf.Warren.MENTORG.COM>
Date: 20 Aug 93 06:01:11 CDT
Lines: 109
[ I posted this before but there was a posting problem
and I don't think it made it to the net. ]
This was printed in the parade guide from the NEW JERSEY 2nd Annual
Lesbian, Gay & Bisexual PRIDE PARADE, Rally, Festival and Concert. Now
that the NYC and NJ parades are over, I thought it was safe to post it.
I'm interested in feedback.
Enjoy!
Tom
---------------------------------------------------------------
Brainwashed! We're all brainwashed!
THERE ARE NO HOMOSEXUALS IN NEW YORK CITY
A Jersey queer rips the lid off a trans-Hudson conspiracy.
By Tom Limoncelli, VP New Jersey Lesbian and Gay Coalition
I recently discovered a most amazing conspiracy and I think
everyone should be warned about it. Recently I discovered that, and
I swear this is all true, there are no gays, lesbians, or bisexuals in New
York City.
It's all a hoax!
Like many New Jerseyans, I sometimes I go into NYC (also
known as "The City") and visit the NYC Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual
Community Center (also
known as "The Center").
I was talking to some people
there and was surprised to It wasn't all just
find out that they, too, were a coincidence.
from New Jersey. At first I This was a well organized
thought it was just a coinci- conspriacy.
dence, but then I started
talking to other people and
found more and more people from New Jersey! Some of them
identified as New Yorkers, but eventually revealed that they actually
lived in New Jersey.
Soon my research lead me to discover that many NYC organi-
zations were run by people that lived in New Jersey. Imagine
that! New Jersey organizations are always looking for more people to
help out, some would say there is a leadership shortage here, yet people
that live and work in New Jersey were going across the The Hudson River
(also known as "The River") to run organizations.
Finally I found a magazine willing to publish my findings. I
was going to expose it all. That's when real trouble started. It wasn't
all just a coincidence, it was a well-organized conspiracy.
Obviously they didn't want my findings published. Right when
I was about to expose the whole story I found myself kidnapped.
Bound and gagged in the dark basement of a building in Greenwich
Village, my kidnappers explained the entire conspiracy to me. My
kidnappers were all members of "K.N.Y.T.C.O.A." (Keep New York The
Center Of Attention) (pronounced "nit-coah".
This secret organization was formed in response to trend of New
Yorkers moving to beautiful, suburban New Jersey. They were afraid
that if too many people moved to New Jersey there wouldn't be anyone
left to join New York organizations.
These were the people that created the propaganda wave that
makes people to think that New York is the center of the universe. And
they're clever: They started the trend of referring to NYC as "The
City"; a subtle brainwash to make everyone think that NYC was the
only city around.
Similarly, they initiated the plan that got people calling NYC's
community center "The Center"; so as to make people think of it as
the only community center that could exist. It also re-affirming the lie
that NYC was "the center" of the universe.
However, I did escape and by being a bit more careful I have
avoided KNYTCOA long enough to write this article and see that it
gets published. Now that this conspiracy is revealed you can help
bring it to an end. Support the hundreds of New Jersey organizations
available to you! Do political work that benefits the state you live
in, not the state you go on Saturday night! While going to NYC's
community center is fun, help invest in New Jersey by helping to
build a gay, lesbian, and bisexual community center in your part of
the state!
I'm sure there are people that don't believe what I'm saying
here is true. However, let me remind you that the first goal of a
conspiracy is to make it complicated enough that people won't
believe anyone that tries to reveal it.
Lastly, you might be wondering how I escaped from my
kidnappers. Well that was elementary, my dear Watson. New
Jersey is entirely too irresistable for anyone, even members of
KNYTCOA. By 1989 even the members of KNYTCOA had moved
to the Garden State. Escaping was easy: They had planned to "do
away with me" but things got crazy and they had to put off my
demise until the next day. At 11:30 p.m. they all left to catch the last
train back to New Jersey. Once alone, escaping was no problem at all.
And here I am today!
In my next article, I will reveal the secret S.F.I.L.T.B.
(San Francisco Is, Like, Totally Bitchin') organization and their attempt
to convince the media that sour dough bread was their idea.
--
Tom Limoncelli -- tal@warren.mentorg.com (work) -- tal@plts.org (play)
"Some people run 'biff' to alert them that | Disclaimer: I do not
they have new email. I run '/bin/true'". | speak for Mentor Graphics.